Tuesday, May 25, 2010

This sweat isn't for you, Buddy.

Dear late=fifties/early-sixties year old-men at the gym, particularly the two who were on the treadmills in front of me from about 7:30 to 8:oo tonight.

Who in the hell do you think you're kidding? It is clear that your motives for spending time in the gym are not to get in shape, live a healthier lifestyle, loose weight, or better yourselves in any possible way. Your reasons walk back and forth between the women's locker room and the rest of the gym. Oh, you idiots think you're slick, huh? You're not. Your reasons are about as obvious as your age -- which you're also not hiding well.

How can we tell? Lets see, the fact that you don't even have the common sense to change into workout clothes after coming from whatever lowbrow life you lead is a huge giveaway. Seriously, if you're going to objectify and degrade every female who walks past, at least have the decency to put some normal jogging shorts. Cut off cargo pants, really? Work boots? Really? While you might be seeing us as some sexual link to some fantasy that is never going to happen, we're seeing you as morons in cargo shorts.

Also, increase the speed on the treadmill to a something beyond "oogle." I'm not saying you have to run because your grease-filled heart probably couldn't handle it (and all the blood is most likely rushing to another part of your body). I'm just saying at least walk at an quick pace.

Another tip for how to hide your hidden agenda and other things, look straight ahead consistently. I've seen less head turning at a tennis match. There is a baseball game on in front of you, fake that you're watching it. Mygod, isn't the ability to discreetly check out a woman the whole point of the Y chromosome?
You could at least "fake" some aspect of your workout, as judging by the way you're presenting yourself, unfortunate women have been faking it for you for years.

I respect that you brought a friend. It was a failed attempt at trying to not be a douchebag. I've found that the guys who are geniunely at the gym for their health, go it alone.

While I can't speak for all the women in the gym, I can say this: I'm not there for you, Mr. DirtBall Older Than My Dad Still Trying to Feel Something While He Can. I'm not doing the ab crunch machine so you can look down my shirt and I'm not stretching in the corner so you can stare at my ass. I'm running out stress and frustration from having to deal with your more educated counterparts in the corporate world. This sweat is for me. I'm not increasing the speed on the treadmill so I bounce more for your benefit. The girls walking past aren't putting on show, douchebags. They're trying to get to the yoga class. For some of those women you've just mentally disgraced, the hour or so at the gym is the only time they have away from SOBs like you.

No one likes being eye-f*(*ked by a man older then her father on the way to the hip abductors. I'll never complain about being checked out by one of the healthy, age-appropriate, non-tattooed, not fresh out of jail, non high school kids. Especially by the one guy I see all the time on Tuesdays in the weights area.....heeeeyyyy. Or the other taller one who comes in around 8 and plays racquetball. Holla!

Moral of this story is: If you're going to be an old man dirtball and check out girls younger than your daughters and granddaughters, wear sneakers, do some kind of fake workout and stay out of my way.


The girl on the treadmill behind you who flipped you off when you turned around.

PS: To the moron who ignored the seven open treadmills in front row and nine open ones in the back row and jumped on the one next to me, Is that your dad in front of us? Really, kid? It's a little overly intrusive and just plain annoying. Also, don't look at my screen. Yes, I'm going faster than you. Yes, I've been going that fast for a long time. Don't try to keep up. And if I slow down, I'm only going to get faster in 2 minutes. Again, not doing it for you.

PSS: It was apparently Douchebag Night at the gym. Dear dude who was walking around with his iPad? Need I say more? Even better, he's spotted texting on his phone while holding his iPad and sitting on a bike.

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the comment!
    Ugh I saw this happen once at the gym. The girl next to me on the treadmill was running in just a sports bra. There was a guy in front of us on the stationary bike, and every 2 or so minutes he would turn around and just stare at her. Blatantly.
    I don't know how she actually kept running. I would have flipped him off and moved to a different machine.